The Power of Empathy

Empathy - the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

Our fears and anxieties are usually what keep us back, what really hold us back from doing the things we really want and know we should be doing.

Sometimes we feel we can help such feelings, we can push ourselves through. Other times we could use an extra push. But where does such a push come from? If we have a support system around us, then we would usually seek out guidance and that knowing push from them. If we don’t have such a support system - then it’s really up to us.

This morning I was actually reading a post by @excavatorblog about success, ambition and really making it in the world, and he used East Asian success in North America as an example. It all really falls down to these three things - family values, work ethic, drive.

I truly believe that these three elements are critical to becoming who we are meant to be - and we all have our own definition of success, so it’s really not about success in terms of money and fame. It’s the success of knowing who you are, challenging yourself when necessary, being all the things you are and not being apologetic about them, being respectful and having values (which we really don’t seem to practice within our communities). This all comes from how we are brought up, many things come from this really, so family values count big time. Then of course there is our work ethic - we cannot expect to become something or arrive somewhere by not working hard, and the people who make it usually have to work hard and sacrifice a lot; so if you want to be someone like that you have to be ready to give up certain things too. We can’t sit and grumble when we’re not putting the work in, it doesn’t work that way. But we can observe and learn from someone who inspires us and follow their example, adapting it to suit who we are and what we want in life. And then of course drive - we have to feel it from within. This means that we cannot be living someone else’s dream, we have to be doing what we do because we feel the drive to do so.

I want to tackle some common anxieties and how to look at episodes from different perspectives to really choose how to react to them. Perhaps it is worth pointing out that these anxieties might be personal but they may also be anxieties or worries we have about others - parents, friends, children, spouse, partner, and so on.

The beauty of knowing what helps (family values, work ethic, drive), even if we’ve never had these three elements in our life, is the possibility of starting now. Start with what you value and live these values - this is your way of passing them one and being emboldened by them. Work smart and diligently by creating a routine that you can stick to, and work with meaning (don’t just work to work without respecting yourself and the people around you enough to put yourself into your career). Drive is not an easy one if you don’t feel it burning and pushing you on, and drive does have it’s own moments (well at least personally at times I am super driven and at others it diminishes slightly), what helps is to keep on going. Keep going, keep doing what you love and the drive will be there when you need it.

Unhappiness

In the face of unhappiness I believe optimism really helps. Perhaps it’s best to clarify that optimism isn’t about wanting and needing to be happy all the time, or always seeing the good in situations and people. Sometimes situations and people suck, sometimes we want to let everything go and run away, it’s true. I’m sure everyone feels this at some point.

But really it’s about having the ability to choose how we react and how we want to feel. This isn’t easy and it takes time, it takes patience, but it’s about pausing to see things and see what good can come out of them, or what lesson there is to be learnt. Sometimes it’s just about taking that pause, and sometimes that pause makes all the difference. If we focus on our misfortunes and how unhappy we are or can be then we will be unhappy. If we’re worrying about others being unhappy, then we have to realise that it’s really not up to us how they feel. Can we help it? I think the best we can do is be true, be real - sometimes life doesn’t go to plan, sometimes that turns out to be for the better, but most of the time, well it’s good to be alive.

Unhappiness is not a failure, unhappiness is very natural from time to time, and being okay with that is quite a big feat for those of us who are worriers!

‘We all have the power to view our lives in a more positive light. And this, means making the best of our relationships’

Failure

Failure to do this, failure to do that … it seems like life is full of little failures waiting to happen. But really failure really depends on how and where you’re looking from. It’s all about perspective, many things are about perspective to me.

Okay, so something didn’t succeed. Is it okay? Perhaps it is - and if it is then you know that perhaps that was the best ending for it. If it’s not okay - then you might want to see where it went downhill and start again, adapting and shifting things around to make it work. To me that’s all a failure is - a chance to make it even better if I want to, if my heart is really in it.

Many times when I was younger I thought I was a failure because I used to start so many things and never finish them. But the older I got and the more I beat myself up, because I would always hear this voice saying ‘You’re a quitter. You never finish what you’ve started.’ (which is actually what my gran had told me once!), I realised that there was a reason for stopping, and that just maybe I was quitting for a very good reason. I only stopped things that I didn’t enjoy, that didn’t create a spark in me, that might have been okay when I was young but had started to loosen their grip on me. All I needed to do was dig a bit deeper to see why I was acting the way I was, it took a few years but I got there.

I’m not a failure.

I will quit at something that has no meaning for me though because I see no reason to continue something just for the sake of finishing it, or to keep up appearances.

I say this within context, because I do realise that there are things and there will always be things that we don’t want to do but we have to. And discipline and self-discipline are so important when it comes to these things, but perhaps for the things that we can help please don’t force yourself - life really is too short for that.

Next time you feel like a failure, or a situation has collapsed and you’re about to blame yourself - look at everything from a wider perspective. If you are to blame, take the blame and move on, it’s a lesson learned. If there is something that could have been arranged, try to arrange it, and carry on. Never play the blame game or play the victim, simply move on knowing you have grown from this experience too.

Comparison

We are now existing in a world in which we are all connected, or at least in which there is the possibility of connecting with millions we would have otherwise been oblivious about. This fact alone does not help the very natural occurrence of comparing ourselves to others. Whilst the most we could do was compare ourselves to our neighbours a few decades ago, now we have the luxury of comparing ourselves and our lifestyle to a person or a family halfway across the world from us.

It’s very easy to get sucked into this trap, it is. But if we had to step away from pictures of perfection we would realise that isn’t maintainable, that isn’t authentic and that definitely isn’t real. If we should look up to anyone or be inspired by anyone then please look out for those who are genuine and really quite authentic, those who reveal themselves for who they are and say honestly that it isn’t about perfection, it is, life is not always great and we all have our sad or overwhelming moments - follow people who are real at the very least, we have too much fakeness around us as it is.

Just one last note on comparison - there really is no comparison. We cannot compare our lives to anyone else’s because we are not on their path and they are not on ours. We each have passed through different stages, situations, experiences, people … which have brought us to where we are today, so we cannot wish to be someone other than ourselves. You never know what someone else has passed through, so how can you honestly wish for their life? Wish to be better than you were yesterday, that is more than enough :)

Loneliness

I think there are two parts to this. Some people are afraid to be alone and perhaps they feel they will be lonely as a result - which is not always the case. And then there are those who are already lonely and are afraid and anxious that they will always remain so.

Let’s take the first scenario. I think this is all about not knowing ourselves, it’s about not being comfortable with being alone with ourselves. When we truly know who we are there is no fear of being alone, because we cannot be alone - we have ourselves. This is not to take away from the importance of friendship, it is to say that loneliness depends on us.

If you’re already lonely, I think that it’s a positive sign you’re feeling this. The fact that you’re feeling lonely implies that you want company. So what are you doing about it? Not to be a victim implies working on what it is that is bothering you. So first look within, do you need to work on being okay with being on your own? Then look without, reconnect with friends, make that phone call, write that letter...do what you need to do even if you don’t feel like it.

The most important thing to remember is that you have control over how you react to situations - and this is a mindset I’ve developed and worked at thanks to the writing of Viktor Frankl. Becoming more empathetic is about taking in multiple scenarios, multiple perspectives to be able to better understand not only yourself but others too.